Sunsets

I went to Nashville on Monday, and I caught the sunset. The more I live the more I realize that what I enjoy the most is capturing the colors of the sky during a sunset. I have seen plenty of sunrises because of my career and truthfully nothing is more depressing than a sunrise. Beginnings are not the same and each one brings its own monster to say. They aren't as rewarding as people claim they are, and you as a person are hyper aware of every detail because its something foreign. I have always had a problem with the beginning of anything. I deeply dislike having to start anything. Ten years ago a school counselor told me that my problem was not starting, or finishing something, but my problem was following through with something. Some where in the middle of what I am doing I start to have a lot of doubt about what I am doing and why I am doing it. However I am getting to an age where having an idea of what to do would be a good thing. I feel like I spent most of my life listening to people because I felt guilty about something. With my parents I felt guilty because I rebelled as a teenager, and I felt ashamed because I did what I wanted to and it didn't result in something. With school I only continued school because I felt guilty that I didn't have any sell-able skills that I wouldn't need school, and I felt guilty that I would regret it later, so I listened to everyone around me. Now I have those same people comforting me that;
"You did the right thing going to school because if you hadn't you would of regretted it by now."
Truthfully, I'm not sure. If I had taken the other path I wouldn't know if I would of regretted it. I'm studying now, but everyone in this field tells me that it isn't worth it and tries to stir me into another career. I followed the "do the right thing in life" path and honestly I'm not sure it was even worth it. I'm not writing this as a form of blaming others for what I did because ultimately I did it and I decided that I felt guilty so I took the imaginary "this is the correct way of life" path on my own. What I am saying with this blog and attempting to work out is: Do I want to keep living this way?
I have some things I would like to fix before bettering my situation.

Things I would like to fix before bettering my situation the list:

1.) I would like to graduate.
         I know I just said that this would be a drag, but I want to finish this even if it is what it is. I want to finish what I started.

2.) I want to pay off my school loan.
         It's not a ridiculous loan, but as it is something that I did I want to get rid of this as soon as possible for my mental stability. I don't want to repeat my parents mistakes with creditors and I want this to be my only loan, and I want to pay it in full within a year, so that I can have financial freedom.

3.) I would like to work in my field for a bit.
          I have never been one to be discouraged. However if I find that I truly do not like this field or it really wasn't worth my time then I will try something else but on my terms, or become a freelancer with all of the skills I have. However if it does work out and I do like the field then I will continue and not be discouraged.

4.) I want to live my life on my terms.
          It is time that I make my decisions and stick by them so I can say with full confidence: this didn't go as planned, but it was my decision. (or) this went well, and it was a decision I took.

5.) At some point I need to take this blog seriously.
           I realize that I don't write frequently, but what I do write I write honestly. I've never had a point where I felt like I was just writing something because I was forced to. In all honesty I started this blog to write about clothes, then I wanted to write about movies, and to be honest maybe I should bring the movies back because I enjoy writing about them. Also I was kind of hoping one day I would be big enough to receive pr packages, but as you all can read I've since abandoned that and decided to write honestly about things I think about.

I apologize for unloading right away in this new year.
Hope the few of you that still read this are doing well.
x
Fatima