Monday, March 30, 2015

Moving on

Moving on is simple. It's what you leave behind that makes it difficult.

Some times I wish I could erase my painful memories. A lot of people would argue that those memories make you stronger or something like that, but in reality they just wear me out. It's like that song by bring me the horizon, I'm not sure which one it is but it's the one where they say "what doesn't break you makes you wish that it did." I keep running into these situations where I find myself sinking further and further below and no longer caring about it. I am aware that I am sinking and I can see the sky and the surface, but I no longer care to swim up onto the surface to see the same thing that everyone tells me is so great when I think that there could be better, and that's what horrifies those around me.

I ran into someone that I knew a couple of years ago, and this persona was telling me about all of these people that I used to know and how now they have kids, or are married, and here I am laughing at it all because I knew these people and I knew that they were the most irresponsible lot that I had ever met and here they were having families. It shocked me really to see how the circumstances have turned. I told this persona that I was glad for them, and somehow it came up that I come up quite a bit in conversation, and I said to this persona; "and here I thought no one spoke of me anymore," jokingly, and this persona looked at me very seriously and said;

 "You would be amazed how much you come up in conversation." Then this person went on to tell me how they would all wonder together if I had actually happened or they all had a lot of drugs in their system to hallucinate me for as long as they did. This person said that I had become a myth that they all wonder about together. This person mentioned how one person (for the sake of not getting mixed up we will call this person Y) the persona (persona who I ran into we shall call this person person G) Person G was telling me how Person Y a guy we both knew was always telling him how his biggest regret was not being with me, and how it came up constantly. Its tragic really I disappeared completely from these people's lives and I had no idea how deeply the connection of my existence was.

They thought I would be there forever when I always said I would be a short-lived connection they would have, and it wasn't until I disappeared and was gone that they realized that I was one of those once in a lifetime people that happens once in your lifetime. What I found sad about the whole thing is that I had feelings for that person at that moment in time as well, and so I told person G. I told him that a lot of things got in the way at the time so I decided to leave the whole thing alone. But what was odd was that I had completely forgotten about that group of people and when I ran into Person G I completely ignored him because I had absolutely no idea who he was.

We both got off at the same stop on the train it was raining. I was in a bad mood because I hadn't slept in days and this one person in one of my classes was starting to aggravate me. My brother was following closely behind me, because he could sense that I was ready to strangle the person in my class who was aggravating me. I saw this person in front of the exit of the train platform and that person was starring at me which annoyed me, because I was already angry at the current situation and I was in a very aggressive mood already, so staring at me was not the best idea. This person tried to stop me, but i mean mugged him to get my point across, and this person G still went for it and said:

"Excuse me I hate to bother you, but is your name by any chance Fatima?"

"Yes. Who are you?" I said, as I was trying to figure out where I had met this person before.

"Oh good. I'm not sure if you remember me. My name is 「Persona G」. We went to high school together."

"Oh! that's right! I am so sorry I did not recognize you to save my life." I said suddenly remembering who this person was, and this persona started telling me about everyone and to be honest I kept prodding this person because I had forgotten who half of these people were, and then came up the conversation of person Y who I had forgotten about until he came up during this conversation and it just made me think of all of the possibilities and all of the things that could of happened had I kept going with that lifestyle, and I was relieved that it didn't happen. I would sacrifice being loved, and loving someone to be in this exact same spot at this time. I have no idea what I am doing, but I'm doing something. At the time when I knew these people I always had an idea of what I was doing, but I wasn't doing anything worthwhile or anything I would recommend doing other than being self destructive. Now I am channeling that into my music or what I tell you here, or into my art, and I am so much better than what I was at the time. Although I felt flattered to be the one that got away I also felt that things turned out better than what they would have.

-Fatima

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