Sunday, April 5, 2015

Knots

I have loved to solve knots every since I can remember. When my parents were younger I remember they would always hand me the knots to solve, because they would get tired and want to just cut them off, but I would interject and solve them after a few minutes. While I was solving them I would think of a lot of things and wonder how something as small as a knot could annoy anyone. As I grew older I thought maybe knots were symbolic for everyday problems, and I kept solving them while thinking of my problems.

Now that I am reaching an age that I don't understand I wonder how I had so much patience for solving knots before. I think about how before I would pay attention to people that annoy me or speak nonsense or are just really off. Particularly this morning as I was laying in bed at five in the afternoon still not woken up, but very happily still in bed and my roommate who I have lived with since the beginning of my time ("it") started rambling on about some non-sense which I have recently learned to tune out the "it" thanks to many hours of therapy where I was told that "it" is off of "it"s rocker and I wondered how I didn't think of tuning "it" out when I was younger or why I took "it" seriously when I was younger. I remember when I was younger "it" made me so angry just "it"s existence made me so angry, and for those of you that don't know the "it" is emotionally abusive, and manipulative and "it" projects that you are the one that is wrong with the world, so "it" makes you feel like the scum of the earth but when you try to take your life (like I have many times, but don't be alarmed I have a lot of help for this now) "it" acts shocked and manipulates therapists, or anyone  around "it" to think that "it" is the most caring person and we live such a happy life like how dare I think I've got it so bad, and if you are in a situation similar to the one I was in I would suggest that you reach out for help to someone that does not know the person who is emotionally abusing and manipulating you and don't ever let the person who you are talking to meet that person who is abusing you.

To me it's been quite a journey so far, but I think what really threw me off is that I thought that it was normal to have such an abusive person in my life, and I admit it is taking a lot of time to adjust to standing up to myself and having borders, and the best advise I have been told is to ignore "it". I'm feeling a little bit better, and I'm just happy knowing that I was right all along, and that there is a different way of life, and that I don't necessarily have to take the out I thought was the only way out which was suicide. I don't know why that makes me so happy.

Knots are complicated and maybe my roommates (parents) did well in giving me all of the knots that they did when I was younger to solve and apply to my life. However my roommates taught me how to solve their flaws and problems, but in return they failed to show me that I would have flaws, and problems that I couldn't solve, but there would be no one out there to help me solve my own knot, and the worst part would be that I wouldn't know that there was a knot or that I was in one, and I don't think that parents were ever meant to succeed no matter how hard they try, or how great of parents they are there will always be a flaw to the parent. I am not a parent, but I realize that I am set up to fail as a parent as well, and my fear is that my future child will turn out like me, angry and disappointed because I am flawed and their illusion of whatever I am supposed to be is flawed in their eyes. Although really my biggest fear is my future child turning out like me with a lot of anger, and a lot of people ridicule this in a child, and I think that you shouldn't. I think you should take that child's anger seriously in the moment, and not let that anger grow throughout the years and engulf their spirit of who they are supposed to be or who they could be, and that is precisely what happened to me the roommates ridiculed my anger and it grew, and the more years that passed the more it grew until I no could no longer have something as simple as a human interaction without me being really angry at the other person for no particular reason. It didn't help that the "it" is emotionally abusive and I was always confused about whether or not I was crazy or not. I am not a fan of people who claim that there is no such thing as mental illness, because they are ignorant. Especially the generation who are parents, because it seems that they are the people who have the most mental illnesses and when their children bring it up for them to get help they refuse and then wonder why their children are not alright. I could tell you a lot of stories of how my father has abandonment issues, or how he is bipolar (BUT he's working on this!!!! GOOD THING! :D), or how the "it" has had depression since before I was born and blames "it"s life going "wrong" on me, but I didn't ask to be born, and if you thought the world was as messed up as you think it is then maybe you should of thought a little bit more before bringing someone into the world then blaming them on what went wrong in your life. It is not my fault that you choose to do what you did. I did not influence your decision I didn't whisper in your ear what to do you choose to do what you did and I shouldn't have to explain this to you. I should in fact be drunk out of my mind because isn't that what your twenties are about?

-Fatima

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