Sunday, October 12, 2014

From the bottom of a staircase to the middle of the road.

I found my first love at the bottom of a staircase. This love was pure, and taken for granted. He was reckless, hurt, and I thought I could change him. When you first fall in love you don't have any limits. You don't hold yourself back you love the other person like a fool and you will always lose this love because it is your first one. My love didn't last long however the pain of this love always remained. One of the last conversations I had with this person was when him telling me:

"Hit me it will make you feel better," he said spreading his arms out in his camo jacket he moved his feet with his red converse shoes so that they lined up with his shoulders. He stood up straight waiting to take the hit. I stood there contemplating actually hitting him then it hit me. I looked at him and said:

"Won't it hurt more if I didn't," and I walked away. He followed me for a while screaming about me hitting him and all I could say was: "It hurts more if I don't." He was the most persistent of my exes. For years I would be the one who got away for him, and the ex girlfriend who would always be intertwined fates with him. The last conversation I had with him and this was the absolute last time I talked to him he told me he was going to have a kid and that he and I should get together and stay together because I knew that we were meant to be together. Many years had already passed since we dated and I said:  "Stop running away. Stop blaming others for your decisions. I warned you that this would happen for years and if you didn't listen to me you aren't going to listen to anyone. " I saw him a few times after that, but I no longer had the will to deal with him. They say love lasts exactly seven years, because it takes seven years for you to shed your old skin and your old thoughts you become a new person in seven years. My love for him withered and died on the bottom of that staircase.

My second love appeared out of thin air before I knew it he had come into my life and I had no idea how he got there. He was kind, gentle, and understanding, but most of all he was my friend and he understood that I didn't want anything else. He was my friend for a year before he said anything about having feelings deeper than friendship for me. Since my last love did not end well at all I had built a fortress around my feelings. I was scared. You spend most of your second love scared and always guarding your feelings before even considering the other person's feelings. When he told me that he had feelings for me I became angry. Mainly I was angry at myself for leading him on then I grew angry at him for not saying anything. He always waited for me and it felt like he waited for me the entire relationship, but it also felt like I was always solving his problems and after a while life happened. He was insecure, and I was much more insecure and our insecurities drove us apart. I never really got over this love, and I've accepted that I never really will get over this love because our love was so incomplete that it made us complete.

"I feel like since we've been together you've closed yourself to me, and before we were together you were always so open with me and everyone and now since we've been together you've locked yourself away from me and from everyone but mainly from me," he said.

"I can't open myself to you," I said. " I feel like you have so many problems and I am a burden," and you never listened.

I don't really know how my third love happened all I know is that your third love is like a car crash. He was just a guy who I knew and copied my chemistry homework, and then it became a whirlwind. This love was very ill fated and toxic because I couldn't get enough and it was short. Your third love is confusing because you have yourself to deal with and you've learned that you have to take into consideration the other person and balancing these things always causes great confusion. It was ill fated from the start everyone we knew was against the relationship and we went for it anyway. We broke up quickly yet we still acted like a couple, and I guess I should of known it would of ended badly but at the time I was starting to feel optimistic about life and didn't want to drag down my relationship with it.  Like all things it ended after dragging on for a year. It ended with him figuring me out.

"I guess this (character) really made a mark on you," he said.

"I don't want to talk about this (character)," I said.

"Why not?" he said.

"Because I don't," I said.

"Did he know of your fear of heights?"

"No," I said.

"I guess he really did break you. I thought I could fix you, but now I see what everyone said about you. You love him too much to let him go and that is why you will never be able to love anyone else." He said.

He left me standing in the middle of the road, and I never saw him again.

-Fatima

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