Sunday, October 5, 2014

Sabotaged

Am I holding myself back? I was talking to someone today on the phone and they mentioned how I hold myself back, and this made me think about a lot of things I have done in life and then I asked myself the question: "Am I holding myself back?" The answer is yes I am holding myself back. Thinking back to these past few years I think about the opportunities that I have sabotaged myself from, but what am I afraid of? Am I afraid of failing more than I am afraid of succeeding? I see a lot of people that I have crossed paths move on and succeed and I seem to be stuck in the same place, and I am afraid that I am starting to get comfortable, but I am also afraid that the mistakes that I made when I transferred from a four year to a community college wrong. I handled the situation wrong and now those mistakes haunt me and I don't know what to do, but feel like I don't deserve the same opportunities or chances that I work hard for.

When I was in grammar school I worked really hard to get really good grades and I liked to learn, so I worked hard as a child because I wanted to get into a good college. However when the time came for me to go to high school I applied to a lot of prestigious high schools that would help me get into good colleges, and I worked really hard to get into them, but they didn't accept me and I ended up in a high school that had a really bad reputation. I accepted my fate but I knew that I was better than that. My first year of high school I was really studious and I worked hard to get the grades I always got, but I was angry. My second year I failed everything and since then I have been failing everything since. My logic was I worked so hard to get into a good high school and I am stuck here in a place where people don't have to work at all to get into. I resented my life's choices a lot instead of studying I could have been having fun and enjoying my childhood instead of all of those sleepless nights of studying that amounted to nothing. My junior I got straight A's out of nowhere without studying anymore or doing much of anything. My senior year I showed up three times in the school year to school and I ended up graduating with three more credits than anyone else. I wasn't going to apply for colleges. In fact I became very depressed at this time and I refused to apply to colleges. My counselor and my parents met behind my back and applied to a couple of schools for me. I didn't know about it until the letters started to show up at my door, and I was angry about the whole situation. I ended up getting accepted into NEIU (Northeastern Illinois University) and my first three semesters went well I enjoyed going to NEIU. The only downfall was that at the time they didn't have UPasses and I was paying close to $1000 per semester in order to cover transportation costs, and it would take me four hours to get there and four hours to come home on the bus and train. I grew tired of this and decided to transfer.

At around this time my brother started to look for high schools. My brother has never cared for his grades and he had below average grades in school, but I guess that's what I admire about him he doesn't care about anyone's opinion but his own. Anyway, my brother has this Godly luck and I've always been a really hard worker, and I have always resented him, because he's given everything in life with amazing ease. When it came to him looking at high school one of his teachers handed him a scholarship to go to a really good high school. I was furious, because when I was looking at high schools I had asked this same teacher about high schools and scholarship and I would go to all of these fairs  and this teacher refused to help me. My brother didn't ask for help and he handed him a scholarship, and all of these opportunities that I had asked for help to get. In other words I got screwed over, but my brother with his Godly luck got it handed to him, and around this time was when I completely lost it. I was already angry, but I became angrier with the entire situation.

I transferred to a community college, and I did not transition well at all. I got terrible grades. I went into the community college with a 4.0 GPA from a four year school, and by the end of that semester I had a 1.9 GPA. At this point I stopped caring about grades and school and all I wanted to do was drop out, but my parents would not let me, and I regret that I did not take initiative and drop out of school because I was not ready for it. I should of taken a year or two off and come back to school when I was serious. I guess my advice as bad as it may sound at this point is don't listen to your parents especially if you feel that you aren't ready for it. It will save you time and headaches you really don't need. A lot of time has passed since then and I am getting better grades now especially now that I know what I want to do or have an idea.

Yes I do sabotage myself from any thing because I'm tired of getting screwed over, and as I have learned in the pass couple of months life is short, and I am not going to live forever and I am probably not going to be remembered, and at this point in my life I could really care less. When I do die I want to disappear and that will be all none of this charades of people who weren't there when I was alive pretending to give a sh*t about me when I'm dead. If you aren't here in the now you just aren't here. I don't pretend to be a saint nor do I pretend to be a victim these are the cards I got dealt with, and it was a bad hand, maybe in the next hand I'll get a better hand, but for now these were the cards I got dealt and these were the choices I made, and while I regret a few I have never failed to stay true to myself. While I am ranting about a few things I would also like to expand on what I said earlier about if you weren't there while I was alive don't be there when I was dead because you feel guilty. My parents drilled it into my head as a child that I could count my friends with one hand and they are right. Until this day I have three friends; my brother, my best friend China, and my best friend Iliana. These are the people that have been with me when I needed someone. These are the people who fed me when I nearly went homeless. I am really grateful to have them in my life.

My friend China let me stay in her house fed me, clothed me at one point when my family was losing everything. I know that when her dad passed away I wasn't there the way I could of been, but I also felt that devastation of not being there, because both she and her parents and brother were there for me when I needed help. I'm not sure if you will ever read this but I am really really grateful that you are in my life.

My friend Iliana has been there for me since I was ten and she was eight. I realize that I am a difficult person to stand for 13 years, and I realize that I've changed a lot, but I owe a lot of it to her and her family.

My brother Mario even though I did resent his Godly luck for  a really long time and it took me a long time to come to terms with this has been dragged down with me ever since he chocked me as a six year old and I don't know how he managed that, but since then he's been pretty good about listening to every story I've ever told even when I was crazy.

These are my friends. These are the people I hope skype or hologram in into my funeral and play highway to hell at my funeral and throw my ashes into the wind. These three people, but when I do die hopefully a long long long time from now when we are all little old folks and we talk about all of the crazy things we did now that we are young these are the people I want to surround me.

-Fatima

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