Saturday, March 28, 2015

Ghost

I keep getting asked what I want for my upcoming birthday by loved ones, and the more I think about it the more I think that what I want is not what I am going to get. Contraire to my efforts to make everyone I know remember my birthday I grown to absolutely hate my birthday even against my best efforts to make more people remember my birthday and celebrate it with me because I don't want to feel alone, and my birthday is the one day of the year I don't want to feel alone. The more I get asked what I want for my birthday and I know that people mean well in wanting to give me something the more I think about what I really want for myself.

I got asked again today what I wanted for my birthday again today and as I am writing this I realize that I don't want to feel alone on my birthday I go to Olive Garden and have lasagna and a piece of cake for the past five years and as I am doing this I wonder what I did wrong this year for me to be here again this year, and I have been of the philosophy that if I can't have good company then I don't want anyone, and yet at the same time I don't want to feel alone so I grab the nearest person next to me in order to feel alone again this year. I would say I want a meaningful hug one that the other person squeezes you because they actually love you and are hugging you for the last time every time, but as I am writing this I realize that I slowly but surely have grown to stop loving people. I have grown to detest every person who tries to be my friend because my parents hate them or because I hate them because I was taught that if someone tries to love you to find a flaw then exaggerate the flaw to the point where you hate them. When someone tries to be my friend I find their flaw over exaggerate it then learn to hate them and stop talking to them suddenly and disappear like a ghost. Until this day my longstanding nickname is ghost because I disappear suddenly then become a myth that people wonder if I ever happened.

Someday I will pull off the ultimate disappearance and disappear from everyone whose lives I am involved in now and I imagine I won't be held down by my beliefs that I have now because of the people that I am involved with and I will be able to have ties with people without needing to exaggerate and play a role that I was assigned, and this also explains why I am a great actor because I constantly have to pretend to be whatever it is I am supposed to play in this role. I do know who I am but at the same time I will not get to be that person for a very long time, so I do what I do best I numb the pain to the point where I no longer feel it. I guess I will accept that I was born to be this depressed and this sad. I will accept that and I will feel it and I will carry on. Whatever doesn't break you really makes you wish it did just so that you wouldn't have to keep doing so. I forgot to mention in December I got into a car accident so yet another of my cat lives was used, but I remember that the impact gave me euphoria not because I could of died and I felt grateful for living, but because I was so close that I could taste my release from it all. The person I was with swore they saw their life flash before them, but I didn't I just felt my release from everything, and maybe as many people have suggested I am running away from feeling anything, or from living, and I am. What is the point of going forward when its the same thing, and when you try to change that because it might help out it becomes a new routine and in a few months you have the same problem, or because you have higher powers who restrict what you do and do not do. Why should I try anymore? Every birthday that passes no matter how much I try to optimistically look at it is another year that I have failed at being stable. It's another year mounted on to me that I don't have to look forward to when I know that in a year I will be thinking the same thing again the next year so what is the point to it?

-Fatima

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