Thursday, April 9, 2015

Amnesia

For some reason I have a lot to say but somehow find myself at a loss for words. I write and I feel like I have a lot to say but then I find myself saying too much or then I find myself holding back. Like this morning for example I found the "it" yelling at me for something but I blocked it out, so I really can't say what "it" was going on about, but I think that parents don't want their children to be happy, because parents feel that they need their children to depend on them and if their child is happy somehow they feel jealous of that happiness because they are not happy necessarily because of them if any of this makes sense. I found myself somehow feeling sorry for "it", but then I found myself feeling happier than what I had felt a few months ago when I was extremely busy and was ready to off myself because the situation was unbearable.

Last night I wrote this: I guess I'm happy. I'll run away. I'll save it all for another day. I think I might disappear from all of the lives that I am involved with, and I'll leave a gap of time blank in order to understand what I need to do. I'm actually feeling much more real when I speak about what I feel as opposed to before where I would talk about all of these other things that I no longer feel are relevant.

I then concluded that I need a very long vacation from all of the bullshit  [excuse me] I have to deal with on a daily basis and the people I deal with on a daily basis. Last week I started to analyze the people that I talk to or somehow know, and I realize that while I am all sorts of messed up a lot of the influences for my negative connotations are influenced from outside sources. I would like to say that I am easily aggravated by people's crap, but if you knew the people I have to deal with on a daily basis and how negative and selfish they can be you would agree that I need to skip town for a while.

I need to breathe in new air from a new country even if there is nothing to do. I need to see a different scenery. Maybe I am also driving myself insane from seeing the same thing over and over again and not having a break from seeing the same thing. Someday I will remember all of this and be past it I hope.

-Fatima

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