Saturday, April 11, 2015

Oranges

I wonder what its like to have support from someone that isn't manipulative. Today I was once again told by "it" that mental illness does not exist and that I am pretending. The truth is now I don't even want to acknowledge "it" as a human being anymore if I stop acknowledging "it" it might leave me alone once and for all. I'm slowly getting better, but I have a long way to go. The other day "it" was driving the car and I came to the realization that I don't have feelings for "it," I have feelings of anger against "it" but I think its time for me to let those feelings go. 

"It" used to tell me a story when I was younger about how in life people are carrying oranges and those oranges are all of your worries, problems, and burdens, and after a while down the road you realize that the weight of the oranges in your orange sack is crushing you, and here is where you reach a fork in the road. Either you empty out your orange sack or you keep carrying them and keep being crushed by them. I always wondered why people would carry these sacks full of oranges it seemed silly to me that people would hang on to them, but what I didn't realize is that "it" became my sack of oranges, and I didn't know that I was carrying the sack of oranges and being crushed by it until someone confronted me about the situation. Unfortunately for me "it" is getting to an age where "it" can no longer be reasoned with if before we had a chance to reason with "it" and I didn't get through there's little to no chance of me fixing what ever it is that "it" and I are. 

Anyways, as I was in the car I realized that I am also at an age where I can't hope anymore to fix what ever "it" and I are. It's like the five stages of grieving:

1.) Denial and Isolation

-Confronted with the problem of "it" and I
-Deciding to prove everyone wrong, but at the same time realizing that it was true.

2.) Anger

-Being angry when I realized that it was true 
-Always blaming myself for the relationship with "it" never working.

3.)  Bargaining

-Attempting to understand "it"
-Attempting to be less of a problem for "it"
-Always thinking of what "it" wants
-Attempting to talk to "it"
-Attempting to do a lot for "it"

4.) Depression

-(Step I was at this last few weeks)
-Realizing that I will never have the relationship that I was meant to have with "it"
-Realizing that I was not right

5.) Acceptance

-(Transitioning into this phase)
-[As I am writing this I am figuring out that I am working towards this step]
-Accepting that "it" and I will never have any sort of relation with each other
-Moving on while knowing that I tried to savage whatever it was we had.
-Letting it go this time for real.
-Accepting that I was not meant to have this and understanding that it just wasn't meant to happen.
-Letting it go because I realize that it's something I can't do and it's okay because it wasn't meant for me.

I am realizing that I have a lot of internal work to do with myself in order to reach the acceptance stage, and I also realize that I have to work really hard on myself and stop paying attention to external sources.

Thank you all.

I got the five stages of grief from this website: http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/000617

-Fatima

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