Friday, June 19, 2015

Alpacca

It's been raining the past two weeks, and not the light drizzle that just passes by. It has been pouring with a force that can't be reckoned with. Oddly enough the rain is satisfying me I wake up to the rain, and I sleep to the sound of the rain hitting the window. I have been confused for a while now. Something happened that I'm not at too much liberty to say, but it was something that I never thought would happen, but at the same time I have an uneasy feeling about it all, and after asking five online fortune tellers, that have given me good answers in the past, and a magic eight ball I was sure that something was not right in all of it, and it has all given me a huge headache to be completely honest. I'm not really built to take on so much, and as many of my friends have said I; "open myself completely to drama," or "It's like you look for the drama in the little things in your life when it's not as exaggerate or dramatic as you make it seem." It must be true if multiple people said it, but at the same time if I exaggerate something it's because I feel that it is that intense, or big of a situation. I do not actively look for drama it just tends to find me and I tend to not know how to react to it so the situation misleads into it looking like I welcomed it when in reality I didn't know how to react to it.

I make a terrible person. There should be a handbook on how to deal with everything, and how to go about things. Life would be a lot more structured that way. When I talk to someone different and I tell them about my life and stuff that goes on in it they react like what I am doing is completely wrong or I've been living a lie or something. I don't think people realize that everyone is different. Do not get me wrong it's always implied that everyone's lives are different however it is not an applied technique that people use. Which is why I say there should be a handbook about these things kind of like when parents or people generally say; "Well I don't know its not like you came with instructions," either as an excuse to get out of a fight with you, or to justify a mistake, or to justify simply not knowing. Why don't we come with a generalized handbook on how to deal with different situations. Such as in my case there would be a section called: "How to deal with being to dramatic and to conform to social constructions referred to as 'norms'." [Insert serious emoji.] Or maybe there should be one on; "how to build constructive relations known as 'friends' and how to maintain them." I hope you all are feeling the passive aggressive in me in this last paragraph. People find things you are confident in and try to bring you down. If I enjoy telling a tale of something that happened to me in a dramatic fashion, with exaggerate details that's how I feel and I am not going to become the social construct of normal in order to satisfy others perception of me. Can you imagine how boring I would be without everything that makes me me? I might be a fool who believes that mermaids exist, and I might be a fool who has been talking exclusively to a stuffed alpacca the last two weeks, but I am satisfied with who I am. I don't feel ashamed that I am a dramatic person in my reactions, or that I am expressive in the way I say things, and I am not going to justify that I enjoy who I am because of some dark passive childhood thing that happened to me. Yes I grew up in an emotionally abusive place, and yes I am passive aggressive, and yes I have a need to express myself in an exaggerate manner, but I am honest about everything really except when I'm scared shitless of something and even then you can tell that I am lying because I am a terrible liar. If there is a handbook on how I should think and act to fit social constructions of norms then count me out of that mindset, and let me go live in the woods somewhere where I don't have to follow these things.

I'm actually very serious about the Alpacca thing I have been speaking to the alpacca for two weeks now, because I'm quite bored where I am, and the majority of the time my computer is dead for some unknown reason, or I am about to get an anxiety attack and since the alpacca can't call me crazy I like talking to it mainly because it will never talk back to me (I hope.) It's nice to have someone listen who doesn't have ulterior evil motives to fit it's evil little alpacca plan to take over the world or something. Really don't mind me I am just losing it.

-Fatima

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