Falling Out
Its been a couple of months since I've started noticing that I wasn't in love with anyone or anything anymore, and it wasn't a false alarm where I thought I was over it, but really wasn't. I don't know when I lost myself trying to find myself. I think I clung on to who I used to be because it scared me that that person was all I knew, and I feared accepting the present, and the future. I know that I talk about it a lot how over it I was but I wasn't I was so ready to move on quickly and forget it all that I forgot to have an intermission for myself. I felt like I was mourning the loss of who I used to be and I would not accept those feelings.
In the past few years I have done absolutely nothing. I say I'm doing something, but really I've kept busy to not deal with the fact that I'm not dealing with the real problem. I would meet person after person thinking that somehow I would find the cure to whatever was wrong with me. I would spend a lot of time by myself choosing to be alone over having company in order to deal with myself. I would cling on to past loves in order to blame it on something. Some days I found myself blaming myself. Other days I would blame everyone around me. I would project my flaws onto other people because I wanted them to be flawed as well. Then I met someone who was very similar to me, and who had no ties to the people I used to know and that was rare because I somehow would find myself running in similar circles to them. At around the time when I met her I finally had had enough of everything, everyone, and myself I had enough of myself.
When I met person B I was tired of pretending something wasn't wrong with me. I was tired of accepting other people as people I knew. I was tired of pretending I was doing something. I was so tired of being a person, and living. I had pretended to be what everyone wanted me to be for so long I was tired of being angry because I never set any limits. I hate confrontation because I grew up with person X and person X was a very confrontational person, and after a while I think I figured out that people who are confrontational just want attention, and it just angers them much more if you ignore them, and pretend they didn't say what they said. For some reason when people overstep my limits I feel like they are getting confrontational with me and I don't know what to do. Unlike me Person B sets limits and boundaries with people and I think I admire that about them. Person B also has things they need to work on that I catch because I already have those qualities, and Person B has qualities and attitudes that I need to grow.
Its actually ironic that I met person B. Person B was or should I say is very persistent to be my friend, not someone I know casually, not an acquaintance, they are determined to be my friend. Person B goes out of their way to correct me no matter how many times I pessimistically bring up that our paths crossing is not going to be "forever," and that's another thing no matter how many time I explain to Person B that the social construct of "forever" is not an actually thing its just a social construct that holds no meaning, and is therefore useless, and therefore there is no such thing as "forever," they still say "forever." I don't know how person B is so optimistic about the future when I'm just amazed I'm still not dead.
I don't know why person B sticks with me I am the worst kind of person there is. I am by far one of the worst people you can have to call friend. I care more for the other person, than I ever do for myself. When I have a problem I feel like a problem if I tell someone else about it, so therefore I don't tell anyone. Then I get mad because people didn't magically ask me "what's wrong?" or if they did they didn't persist, and I persist that I am fine when I am clearly not, and I don't know why Person B wants to stick with me. I always thought of myself as a person that is briefly in people's lives when people need someone to give them guidance, and bring out the best in them again, but when it all went down in flames for me I had no one like that. Its ironic I needed myself to bring the best in me. I stuck with people who were overly selfish, because I had no idea how to be selfish enough to protect myself and my feeling because in the end all I am left with is memories I don't want and that I have worked really hard to oppress. Songs I can't listen to because they remind me of someone else, or a memory I don't want to remember. Unfortunately I have oppressed everything and all I have left is the aftermath of what happened in the past five years.
The beginning of this year a lot of stuff that really should of happened earlier happened and while at that time it felt like that was the lowest point I could be at things got a lot better afterward. Its like that saying goes: "if you're already sinking down sink all the way to the bottom, so when you climb out you climb out a stronger person," or like that other saying: "Things fall apart so better things can take their place." After being in an abusive environment for so long when you are told that you don't have to be in it and you stop being in an abusive environment you have the (what I like to call the) "*WTF moment."
*Definition of WTF Moment: A point in your life where you want to fall back onto old patterns because you don't really know how to proceed from here. In a way you are in limbo and you have to ask yourself; How did I get to this point? Wait What? But this was normal to me? No not me... Are you sure? HOW?
During the WTF moment phase of it I was questioning how I let it all happen. (After the denial.) Reconstructing myself has been a different matter entirely, because I'm no longer who I used to be even before all of that. Person B has been a big part of it. (Just to clarify person B isn't my lover nor will we ever see each other that way trust me.) I'm glad that Person B has been persistent on being there for me, and in a way forcing their friendship onto me. It's kind of like in Kamikaze girls where I would be the Lolita already used to being by myself and person B would be the Biker gang girl forcing her friendship on to the Lolita. Which now that I think about it really makes this funnier, because now that I compare Person B she really is like the Biker gang girl, and she would headbutt me just to get her point across, and considering that Person B has nicknamed me the Aristocrat because according to person B I dress too much like an Aristocrat for my own good, it really makes this entire thing funnier, because this entire time I have been looking at what's happening to me and not realizing it. I am now going to compile a list of stuff that has happened to me since meeting person B.
List of Stuff that has happened since meeting person B
-Person B and I get into a car crash, and were okay, but my car wasn't.
-I had a brief head concussion to the car crash I lost a bit of time.
-Got almost fired, so I quit my ex-job.
-I broke up with someone (acquaintance) who I knew didn't give a shit about me, but I wanted to appear normal so I stuck with this person to appear normal.
-I had an obsessive jealous guy fall in love with me even though all I did was offer the dude the empty chair next to me because I saw the room was full and I know I'm a pretty intimidating person and have chronic resting bitch face. This dude almost hit one of the people I knew because she pointed out to him that he had no possession of me and shouldn't be speaking to me like I was an object or as part of his property.
-I actually liked someone and I actually tried. I failed but I tried this time.
-One of my exes tried to reenter my life and I felt nothing about it. Which shocked me.
-I had another dude try to kill me because I was very honest to him when he confessed about having feelings for me and let me tell you how fucking nice I was to the guy and when I told him that I didn't find it fair to him, but that I don't have feelings for him, or anyone at this time, and at first he was really cool about it, and I was so impressed with how well he took it. Then the next time I saw him he became really aggressive with me and I shit you not he wanted to kill me. (I'm safe now I dealt with it. I threatened him back and told him to stay away from me.)
List of how Person B reacted to above list
-After the impact Person B started arguing with me about suing other person, and that's how I knew they were okay.
-After the accident Person B told me what happened and what I did with a lot of patience.
-Person B told me they treated me like shit anyway.
-After listening to me about the acquaintance advised me that it would be best to break away from them since all that the acquaintance seem to achieve is to piss me off.
-Told me to stab the dude at first but then she told me to straight up tell the dude to fuck off.
-Told me to try and get closer and gave me really helpful advise as to what to do with person I liked.
Person B would even go with me to see the person I liked, and when I figured that I was failing person B consoled me.
-When I was hysterical about not being hysterical about ex. Told me it was because I was a different person and my ex was starting to see what they had lost and regretted it.
-Person B told me to warn the dude that Person B was going to (and I quote) "chop his balls off and feed them to sharks in the atlantic ocean." Then told me I was too pretty for my own good, and that caused problems. Which gave me the balls to threatened the guy.
It almost sound now that I am writing this too fake to be true, but I have the scars (Literally not figuratively) to prove each and everyone of these incidents.
-Fatima
In the past few years I have done absolutely nothing. I say I'm doing something, but really I've kept busy to not deal with the fact that I'm not dealing with the real problem. I would meet person after person thinking that somehow I would find the cure to whatever was wrong with me. I would spend a lot of time by myself choosing to be alone over having company in order to deal with myself. I would cling on to past loves in order to blame it on something. Some days I found myself blaming myself. Other days I would blame everyone around me. I would project my flaws onto other people because I wanted them to be flawed as well. Then I met someone who was very similar to me, and who had no ties to the people I used to know and that was rare because I somehow would find myself running in similar circles to them. At around the time when I met her I finally had had enough of everything, everyone, and myself I had enough of myself.
When I met person B I was tired of pretending something wasn't wrong with me. I was tired of accepting other people as people I knew. I was tired of pretending I was doing something. I was so tired of being a person, and living. I had pretended to be what everyone wanted me to be for so long I was tired of being angry because I never set any limits. I hate confrontation because I grew up with person X and person X was a very confrontational person, and after a while I think I figured out that people who are confrontational just want attention, and it just angers them much more if you ignore them, and pretend they didn't say what they said. For some reason when people overstep my limits I feel like they are getting confrontational with me and I don't know what to do. Unlike me Person B sets limits and boundaries with people and I think I admire that about them. Person B also has things they need to work on that I catch because I already have those qualities, and Person B has qualities and attitudes that I need to grow.
Its actually ironic that I met person B. Person B was or should I say is very persistent to be my friend, not someone I know casually, not an acquaintance, they are determined to be my friend. Person B goes out of their way to correct me no matter how many times I pessimistically bring up that our paths crossing is not going to be "forever," and that's another thing no matter how many time I explain to Person B that the social construct of "forever" is not an actually thing its just a social construct that holds no meaning, and is therefore useless, and therefore there is no such thing as "forever," they still say "forever." I don't know how person B is so optimistic about the future when I'm just amazed I'm still not dead.
I don't know why person B sticks with me I am the worst kind of person there is. I am by far one of the worst people you can have to call friend. I care more for the other person, than I ever do for myself. When I have a problem I feel like a problem if I tell someone else about it, so therefore I don't tell anyone. Then I get mad because people didn't magically ask me "what's wrong?" or if they did they didn't persist, and I persist that I am fine when I am clearly not, and I don't know why Person B wants to stick with me. I always thought of myself as a person that is briefly in people's lives when people need someone to give them guidance, and bring out the best in them again, but when it all went down in flames for me I had no one like that. Its ironic I needed myself to bring the best in me. I stuck with people who were overly selfish, because I had no idea how to be selfish enough to protect myself and my feeling because in the end all I am left with is memories I don't want and that I have worked really hard to oppress. Songs I can't listen to because they remind me of someone else, or a memory I don't want to remember. Unfortunately I have oppressed everything and all I have left is the aftermath of what happened in the past five years.
The beginning of this year a lot of stuff that really should of happened earlier happened and while at that time it felt like that was the lowest point I could be at things got a lot better afterward. Its like that saying goes: "if you're already sinking down sink all the way to the bottom, so when you climb out you climb out a stronger person," or like that other saying: "Things fall apart so better things can take their place." After being in an abusive environment for so long when you are told that you don't have to be in it and you stop being in an abusive environment you have the (what I like to call the) "*WTF moment."
*Definition of WTF Moment: A point in your life where you want to fall back onto old patterns because you don't really know how to proceed from here. In a way you are in limbo and you have to ask yourself; How did I get to this point? Wait What? But this was normal to me? No not me... Are you sure? HOW?
During the WTF moment phase of it I was questioning how I let it all happen. (After the denial.) Reconstructing myself has been a different matter entirely, because I'm no longer who I used to be even before all of that. Person B has been a big part of it. (Just to clarify person B isn't my lover nor will we ever see each other that way trust me.) I'm glad that Person B has been persistent on being there for me, and in a way forcing their friendship onto me. It's kind of like in Kamikaze girls where I would be the Lolita already used to being by myself and person B would be the Biker gang girl forcing her friendship on to the Lolita. Which now that I think about it really makes this funnier, because now that I compare Person B she really is like the Biker gang girl, and she would headbutt me just to get her point across, and considering that Person B has nicknamed me the Aristocrat because according to person B I dress too much like an Aristocrat for my own good, it really makes this entire thing funnier, because this entire time I have been looking at what's happening to me and not realizing it. I am now going to compile a list of stuff that has happened to me since meeting person B.
List of Stuff that has happened since meeting person B
-Person B and I get into a car crash, and were okay, but my car wasn't.
-I had a brief head concussion to the car crash I lost a bit of time.
-Got almost fired, so I quit my ex-job.
-I broke up with someone (acquaintance) who I knew didn't give a shit about me, but I wanted to appear normal so I stuck with this person to appear normal.
-I had an obsessive jealous guy fall in love with me even though all I did was offer the dude the empty chair next to me because I saw the room was full and I know I'm a pretty intimidating person and have chronic resting bitch face. This dude almost hit one of the people I knew because she pointed out to him that he had no possession of me and shouldn't be speaking to me like I was an object or as part of his property.
-I actually liked someone and I actually tried. I failed but I tried this time.
-One of my exes tried to reenter my life and I felt nothing about it. Which shocked me.
-I had another dude try to kill me because I was very honest to him when he confessed about having feelings for me and let me tell you how fucking nice I was to the guy and when I told him that I didn't find it fair to him, but that I don't have feelings for him, or anyone at this time, and at first he was really cool about it, and I was so impressed with how well he took it. Then the next time I saw him he became really aggressive with me and I shit you not he wanted to kill me. (I'm safe now I dealt with it. I threatened him back and told him to stay away from me.)
List of how Person B reacted to above list
-After the impact Person B started arguing with me about suing other person, and that's how I knew they were okay.
-After the accident Person B told me what happened and what I did with a lot of patience.
-Person B told me they treated me like shit anyway.
-After listening to me about the acquaintance advised me that it would be best to break away from them since all that the acquaintance seem to achieve is to piss me off.
-Told me to stab the dude at first but then she told me to straight up tell the dude to fuck off.
-Told me to try and get closer and gave me really helpful advise as to what to do with person I liked.
Person B would even go with me to see the person I liked, and when I figured that I was failing person B consoled me.
-When I was hysterical about not being hysterical about ex. Told me it was because I was a different person and my ex was starting to see what they had lost and regretted it.
-Person B told me to warn the dude that Person B was going to (and I quote) "chop his balls off and feed them to sharks in the atlantic ocean." Then told me I was too pretty for my own good, and that caused problems. Which gave me the balls to threatened the guy.
It almost sound now that I am writing this too fake to be true, but I have the scars (Literally not figuratively) to prove each and everyone of these incidents.
-Fatima
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