Lately, I have been thinking a lot about many things. Mainly I have been thinking about my past experiences and choices I have made and for better or for worse those choices have made me who I am. I choose to be this person writing before you. I think a lot about all of the love that I have given, and all of the love I have rejected as well. Mainly I think of this one person who was in love with me, and I with him, but because I feared everything that came with loving him I pushed him away, and even though he's moved on and I disappeared suddenly from his life and never saw him again, and now I know he's hopefully happy with the person he is with and the family he started, I find myself thinking a lot about him. It is something that I did regret but at the same time I do not regret the choice I made with staying away and eventually disappearing. I wonder like most of you I wonder what would of happened if I had been together with him, but I also realize that my character and personality while impossible and difficult are also a facade in order to cover my weaknesses, but in the years that I disappeared from his life I went through some of the toughest times I have gone through as a person. My panic attacks started, my depression became worse, and I pushed people away the closer they became to me, and I think it would of been difficult for anyone to have been with me as my significant other, and in a lot of ways I am grateful that I did was not together with anyone.
The truth of it all is I don't know how to be with someone. I've never tried because I do not like myself for who I am. I'm getting better about learning to like myself, but it took me years to get here. I am extremely grateful to those people who even though I  was the biggest piece of shit there was stayed with me because they loved me enough to know I would grow out of it, or guided me out of these phases I had. There have been a lot of people who have tried to become my friend, but I push them away, and I keep pushing them until the day comes until they either decide its difficult and they don't want to try anymore (but I really do not blame them) or they do something to make me realize that I shouldn't push them away.
Someone asked me a while back when I "would get back in the dating game?" and to answer this I don't think I will. I am stubborn, insecure, honest, giving, loyal, but I am not the kind of person to force things that are not meant to happen. I find people I know scrambling like mad to find someone to be with for a short while, or just to be with, and it feels like they are looking for someone to be with like they are running out of time, or they are forcing things and then wondering why it didn't work out. I do not judge these people, because I am not feeling what they are feeling. Instead I ask them these questions in order to understand their feelings, but I always get a variation of the same answer: "Because I don't want to be alone."  Is it that I do not feel the same rush or need because at this point of my life I've grown comfortable with being myself? or is it that I've gotten used to my own company that now other people drive me insane? I do not know.
I think that I am in love with the idea of being in love. I want to feel something more than fear, or hatred. I was talking to someone about this, and I said that I love Keira Knightley movies because there is always a moment where she knows she loves the other person, because the thought of them disappearing or losing them is enough for her character to know that she loves them. I realize that this is not the case with real life, and that maybe I might be a pessimistic hopeless romantic, but something in me still holds out for something like this. I would think that if you met the love of your life that at some point of knowing them and being close friends and all the day would come when the world would stop for you for just a second, and it would be then that you knew you loved that person. I realize this might be asking for too much, but as the person who I told this to told me that I wanted to feel passion for someone. My parents want me to feel passionate for something, it could be anything really just as long as I felt passionate to the point where I stood up for something, but I've been following the unwritten rules of life and my parents for so long I've lost my will to live and have become a wallflower in my own life. I keep getting asked by my therapist: "what do you like? what do you want to do?" and honestly everything I've ever felt passionate about before gets crushed by my own sense of realism that the world and its circumstances doesn't have to do it for me. My parents want for me to feel so much passion that I stand up for something that I stick the middle finger up at the world and say: "this is what I am passionate about and this is what I am doing because I want to do this."The reality of the situation is if I am given the opportunity to do things my way I wouldn't know what to do because I've lived with the rules for so long that I wouldn't do anything if there weren't any rules. I realize I am 25, with the heart and regrets of a 50 year old, but I no longer want to feel anything anymore. I want to give up completely on loving someone, because at this point I should really know myself well enough to know that I am not the kind of person to stay with someone, and at this point it's become a waste of time for me, and this is time I no longer have. I hope someday I do find some sort of peace within myself. It's like that quote by Albert Camus:

"In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.

And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.

I would hope that within me there is something stronger pushing against my negative forces, but until I fix myself I won't make someone else go through my misery with me, because everyone deserves to be happy in their own way, and I will not be held responsible for someone's misery or happiness other than my own.

Lately I've had a string of uncomfortable run-ins with people who I knew in my past, but we had complications, and so I disappeared from their lives. Thankfully, it has only been run-ins with their family members who still greeted me very warmly. I do not know if I would of been as composed had I encountered the people whom I had disagreements with in the past.

I forgot to mention; I got a new job as a filing assistant in a company somewhere closeby but far away enough from my house. It is refreshing to do something I enjoy very much in a company where the company policy bears no hostility towards your co-workers. It is very enjoyable. Far more enjoyable than my last, but I enjoy the warmth of the people I work with and I enjoy their experiences, and I am grateful that I can work in such an amiable place.
I realize it's been a while since I've written here, and it wasn't until someone pointed out that I hadn't written on here that I got to it as they say.
Thank you.


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