Moving Out and other tales
I have been busy getting ready to embark on a new journey. I will be attending a new Uni in the fall (in reality in a month.) I admit I am nervous, because this will be my first time living truly alone, but I have been assured by friends who are older and remember their first time moving out that I would enjoy it. I am overwhelmed by the amount of support I have from my co-workers and people I have surrounded myself with about this decision that I have made. I am very grateful that I was given the opportunity to meet the people that I have met.
When I was a senior in high school I remember the director of the school decided to give us a speech about our upcoming years, and I remember he started by bringing up the anecdote of the turtle and the hare. He said that sure the rabbit won the race, but it wasn't about how fast you get to the end, but that you get there. I remember at the time thinking it was odd that he would talk about the turtle finishing the race, and I thought it was dumb that he said that to me it was obvious that the real winner was the rabbit. As I grew older and made many mistakes that would led me to the point where I am I realize that he was right. We all take different roads, but eventually we get to the destination where we were going. Now that I have experienced everything I experienced I understand that its not about how fast you go, but that you are able to experience and appreciate what you were given at the time you were given. I have written many stories on this blog about things that happened to me, and how I felt at the time, but if I hadn't had those experiences I wouldn't appreciate why they happened when they did. For example, I have written about how I had a friend when I was younger let's call her H. H and I were a year apart, but I remember when I first saw her I felt that I needed her to be in my life. H was probably one of the most selfish people I could of met, but I choose not to see that at the time. Instead I choose to see the few instances where H was kind, and caring, and a genuinely good person. As the years went by H's true colors started coming out, and for years I put up with H's shit from accusing me of stealing their significant other, to bad mouthing H. Mutual friends of ours assured H that I was doing nothing but defending H from the same people that were telling H that I was the one with bad intentions. I guess H choose to see it their way, and one day after picking the scab off of the wound one too many times I disappeared from H's life. For a really long time I could not let what happened between myself and H go. I felt angry, but most of all I felt hurt, and I felt betrayed, by someone who I genuinely wanted to prove everyone about them wrong, but that was the last person I felt I could change, and that is when I stopped subconsciously trying to help people see that they were better than what people initially saw in them.
It was because H was a bad friend that I was able to appreciate when I have a friend. It was because I always felt anxious around H that I was able to appreciate when I can truly be myself with someone and not pretend to be something else. It was because H was so selfish that I learned to be selfless in order to not be that kind of person. It was because H hurt me one too many times that I learned to be selfish enough to get out of that relationship (Platonic.) It was because H and I argued so much at the end that it forced us to be honest with each other that I learned that not all fighting with those you love is bad. What makes me sad about my relationship (as a friend) with H was the end. When I used to think of H that is what truly made me sad was when it ended, because not only did our childhood friendship end, so did the era of my life.
When I think of my time with H (now that I am truly over it) I think of how that was how I spent my pre-teen years, and my teenage years. I like to romanticize and put filters on the memories. I like to remember all of the good times I spent with this person. H to me was like summer. After being inside all winter, H was the summer I looked forward to. In a way now that I think back on it it was like all of those movies where they show summer as this undying and wonderful time in everyone's life. However good things don't last forever. When it was the end a lot of things came out about each other. I said how I sometimes wish I had had H's experience in my teenagehood, and how I wish I was more like H. H said that that was funny, because H wished she had had the experiences I went through and that H wished H was more like me. I am obviously romanticizing it now in my memories, but then end was what was so sad, and for a really long time I could not process how we got there. I can't tell you the last time I saw H because I repressed that memory. It was too painful for me to remember, and I knew deep in my soul that that was the last time I would ever see this person. After nine years I knew it was the end, but I did what I always do I pretended to be fine for a really long time when internally I was not fine at all. I haven't wondered what happened to this person in a really long time.
It has been six years since the end.
When people used to ask me what happened to me to become as cold hearted and as distant as I was I used to get angry and tell them about H, and how evil, and terrible H was as a person. Now when people ask me what happened to me I still tell them about my bad luck with friendship, and laugh it off, and I tell them how someday I'll get it right. I haven't spoken about H in three years until now unless if it's at therapy, but H very rarely comes up now a days. The aftermath of H was I was able to spend time alone, and meet new people who I think I wouldn't of met had I still been friends with H. It's not a bad thing, but it forced me to change as a person. It showed me which people cared, and which people to look out for.
I was thinking about how I met all of these terrible people (for me) and how meeting all of these hoards of terrible people have led me to meet the few good people that I have known in my life. If I hadn't gone through everything I had gone through would I have gone through the good?
Moving out is pretty nerve racking. Who knows how life will treat me, but I think at this moment in life I am stuck. I am mentally stuck about the way my life is going. I'm not sure if it's going anywhere. I am so confused! Yet unlike before when I hid my feelings I am not afraid to say that I am confused, and a change of environment might do me some good. I think living alone will do me a lot of good.
-Fatima
When I was a senior in high school I remember the director of the school decided to give us a speech about our upcoming years, and I remember he started by bringing up the anecdote of the turtle and the hare. He said that sure the rabbit won the race, but it wasn't about how fast you get to the end, but that you get there. I remember at the time thinking it was odd that he would talk about the turtle finishing the race, and I thought it was dumb that he said that to me it was obvious that the real winner was the rabbit. As I grew older and made many mistakes that would led me to the point where I am I realize that he was right. We all take different roads, but eventually we get to the destination where we were going. Now that I have experienced everything I experienced I understand that its not about how fast you go, but that you are able to experience and appreciate what you were given at the time you were given. I have written many stories on this blog about things that happened to me, and how I felt at the time, but if I hadn't had those experiences I wouldn't appreciate why they happened when they did. For example, I have written about how I had a friend when I was younger let's call her H. H and I were a year apart, but I remember when I first saw her I felt that I needed her to be in my life. H was probably one of the most selfish people I could of met, but I choose not to see that at the time. Instead I choose to see the few instances where H was kind, and caring, and a genuinely good person. As the years went by H's true colors started coming out, and for years I put up with H's shit from accusing me of stealing their significant other, to bad mouthing H. Mutual friends of ours assured H that I was doing nothing but defending H from the same people that were telling H that I was the one with bad intentions. I guess H choose to see it their way, and one day after picking the scab off of the wound one too many times I disappeared from H's life. For a really long time I could not let what happened between myself and H go. I felt angry, but most of all I felt hurt, and I felt betrayed, by someone who I genuinely wanted to prove everyone about them wrong, but that was the last person I felt I could change, and that is when I stopped subconsciously trying to help people see that they were better than what people initially saw in them.
It was because H was a bad friend that I was able to appreciate when I have a friend. It was because I always felt anxious around H that I was able to appreciate when I can truly be myself with someone and not pretend to be something else. It was because H was so selfish that I learned to be selfless in order to not be that kind of person. It was because H hurt me one too many times that I learned to be selfish enough to get out of that relationship (Platonic.) It was because H and I argued so much at the end that it forced us to be honest with each other that I learned that not all fighting with those you love is bad. What makes me sad about my relationship (as a friend) with H was the end. When I used to think of H that is what truly made me sad was when it ended, because not only did our childhood friendship end, so did the era of my life.
When I think of my time with H (now that I am truly over it) I think of how that was how I spent my pre-teen years, and my teenage years. I like to romanticize and put filters on the memories. I like to remember all of the good times I spent with this person. H to me was like summer. After being inside all winter, H was the summer I looked forward to. In a way now that I think back on it it was like all of those movies where they show summer as this undying and wonderful time in everyone's life. However good things don't last forever. When it was the end a lot of things came out about each other. I said how I sometimes wish I had had H's experience in my teenagehood, and how I wish I was more like H. H said that that was funny, because H wished she had had the experiences I went through and that H wished H was more like me. I am obviously romanticizing it now in my memories, but then end was what was so sad, and for a really long time I could not process how we got there. I can't tell you the last time I saw H because I repressed that memory. It was too painful for me to remember, and I knew deep in my soul that that was the last time I would ever see this person. After nine years I knew it was the end, but I did what I always do I pretended to be fine for a really long time when internally I was not fine at all. I haven't wondered what happened to this person in a really long time.
It has been six years since the end.
When people used to ask me what happened to me to become as cold hearted and as distant as I was I used to get angry and tell them about H, and how evil, and terrible H was as a person. Now when people ask me what happened to me I still tell them about my bad luck with friendship, and laugh it off, and I tell them how someday I'll get it right. I haven't spoken about H in three years until now unless if it's at therapy, but H very rarely comes up now a days. The aftermath of H was I was able to spend time alone, and meet new people who I think I wouldn't of met had I still been friends with H. It's not a bad thing, but it forced me to change as a person. It showed me which people cared, and which people to look out for.
I was thinking about how I met all of these terrible people (for me) and how meeting all of these hoards of terrible people have led me to meet the few good people that I have known in my life. If I hadn't gone through everything I had gone through would I have gone through the good?
Moving out is pretty nerve racking. Who knows how life will treat me, but I think at this moment in life I am stuck. I am mentally stuck about the way my life is going. I'm not sure if it's going anywhere. I am so confused! Yet unlike before when I hid my feelings I am not afraid to say that I am confused, and a change of environment might do me some good. I think living alone will do me a lot of good.
-Fatima
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