Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Tear Ducts

Summer reminds us of childhood. Childhood is usually filled with our imaginations over romanticizing what truly happened with how we perceived it happened. Summer is like a sour pill that has occasional flavors that make us live for them until we realize that it wasn't the same as we had thought when we try it again as adults. Have I outlived my summers of joy? Have I finally accepted that summer is a time of dread and anticipation for something that will not happen the way I remember it? I believe that my outlook on everything has changed for a while now, and instead of rebelling against my common sense I find myself conforming to it and accepting it. I recently had an overflow of emotions that wore me out physically quickly and I thought to myself:

"How did I cry so much as a child and not be this worn out?" I was an overly sensitive child, and I cried rivers for things that now that I look back on it weren't worth it. [Like the ending of the Iron Giant.] I cried so much and yet the next day I was able to get back up and keep going. One day I finally got sick of crying and all of those feelings and need to cry became anger. I studied relentlessly on techniques on how not to cry. I went as far as to research if there was an operation to remove your tear ducts, because I wanted to be hardcore, and not be a pansy and cry as much as I did. There weren't any operations to remove your tear ducts if you were wondering. However I did discover that if you breathed normally and forced yourself to take deep breaths you wouldn't cry. I put my research into practice and succeeded for a really long time on not crying. Eventually I felt numb, and I stopped feeling entirely, but like all good things that came to an end and I started to lose control over things that I went out of my way to represses. Memories that were too painful for me started coming back, and the worst part about it all was that the feelings came back.

I tend to attract people who are selfish, and insecure towards me (referring to this in a platonic sense). I started talking to someone about this how I didn't understand how I gave it my all towards these people, and ultimately a number of things ended up happening but it always turned out the same:

Possible Outcomes that happened
-grew insecure
-grew jealous
-grew insecure and jealous but never broke it off with me
-subconsciously started to grow jealous of me
-subconsciously made everything into a competition with me

I asked someone why it was that I kept attracting these kinds of people towards me, and they told me it was because it looked like I was a strong person. Things have happened to me, and people assume that because of my background I've never had a problem in my life or if I have had problems that they have been menial compared to theirs. I'm not sure why people assume these things about me, and because of these assumptions I end up having to deal with the outcomes of stuff that eventually happens. I think people don't realize that I don't talk to them about my life and my story because I do not trust them, and since I know what eventually happens I never expose myself towards them. I don't think I could trust someone with knowing the truth of what happened to me, and then having them use it against me when I'm not ready nor do I want to linger on it. I know this sounds like I'm not giving people a chance and that I'm not opening up to them, and yes maybe I'm not giving them the chance. It's easy for me to spot the people who aren't authentic, and since I am not a fan of confrontation I silently pull away in order to avoid unnecessary theatrics. Am I afraid of having a relationship (Platonically) with someone? While a part of me is uneasy with the thought of having a platonic relationship with a person I think the truth is I enjoy my own company too much to commit to anything or anyone. I am afraid of commitment even in its most menial forms therefore I avoid it entirely.

The truth is I am not the strong person people assume I am. I am a person with my own set of skills, situations, and story. I choose to be like a moving train and never lingering, or going by the same place twice. Yes it does take me a while to process things, but once I have processed situations and things then I move on.

"Spare me the Details"-Todd Rodrigo

-F

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