Monday, May 1, 2017

Eternity

I turned twenty-six last week, and I find myself becoming incredibly understanding of myself, and yet at the same time I find the more I live in life that I become far more confused than when I first started. Maybe its the fact that I am an extremely stubborn person. Once I choose to believe in something nothing and no one can stop me or not stop me. I've been told that this is an admirable trait to have. However I find it an irritating trait to have, because once I get it in my head I will not stop until I can finish said task.
The more time that passes the more I feel that I become far more confused then when I started. I remember seeing my life like this eternal thing that I had so much time for as a child. I remember it like it was yesterday as I lay in my parents old brown flower patterned couch that was pushed against the front window of my living room so that it faced the dinning room instead of the window, and I remember as my mum vacuumed the brown carpet and I stared at the sun spots in the corner of the room I remember thinking "I have a lot of time until I am my mum's age." I even remember how eternal it felt to me thinking about how long it would be until I was that age. I also remember thinking about how I was going to own a red convertible after I graduated from Harvard according to myself, but I just looked at my mum and scoffed thinking about the day that I at four would reach her age. To me it was something I couldn't grasp therefore I wouldn't care about it for a while. I went back to staring at the ceiling.
I always assumed that my parents were old when they had me. I'm not sure why I felt this way or where I got this idea, but as I slowly but surely became their age I wondered how the hell they were even allowed to raised me when they were probably just as confused as I am at this age. I can barely take care of myself can I just imagine the unimaginable of having a child to take care of as well? At this point in time I can't say that I can see myself doing so. Don't get this wrong I do have the capability to love a child, however I also think of my experiences of a child and I would of liked to have my parents around a lot more than I did, and I know for a fact that at this point in time I can't say that I could do that. Another thing about my parents was that because both of them were a lot smarter than they claimed to be they grew bored very quickly with the life they choose to led. I saw as my parents who to me have claimed that they love each other I saw throughout my childhood as that same love that got them to be together in the first place died. I don't believe you can love someone for the rest of your life, because things will happen and other forces will say that "love is tough and you have to fight for it," and all of these things to convince you that it exists so they can sell you on the idea of loving someone else, but the truth is even the happiest of couples who have been together for a long time are just doing it after a while out of habit not out of love.
I know that I am an advocate of self love and self realization, and in a way it might be expected of me to say this but I don't believe in love, nor do I believe in sharing your life with someone else. I'm sure most of you who read this and know me will argue that I've never been in love therefore I cannot make assumptions, but to you I say this: in my experience this time around I don't think I was made or molded to love people. To me this is a very odd thing. I don't understand why you have to find a partner to stay with out of fear of dying alone, because that is what is going to make you happy. I have seen not just my parents but a lot of people tear themselves apart because of this idea, and to me to apply this ideology to my own life after seeing all of this is ridiculous. Yes you can argue that I am: "amargada, a pessimist," and so forth but I tried this ideology a few times as you have seen if you have read my previous posts, and it clearly didn't work out for me not because it was my partners fault necessarily, but because deep inside me I knew and something wouldn't let me. There was a time where I fantasized how "love was going to save me" but now after ten years of rewiring my brain to do something useful with my time instead of focusing on such notions I find myself at peace.
My parents find it odd that I have been saying that I would not get married nor would I date since I was three. At first they too worried and said that I was inexperienced, and at three years old I gave it to my parents that I hadn't seen the world, but to be fair I was also ready to move out of my parents house when I was four then I stopped myself because I couldn't get a job to support myself. There were many times in my childhood that I stopped myself from running away from my house because I wouldn't have shelter, and where would I get food? or a job? Thus I never ran away, but I stayed angry that I couldn't leave. As I grew older I grew angrier, and like a pot of boiling water one day I had a series of explosions to the point where I no longer felt anything. My own anger made experiencing other emotions a foreign concept. I stopped having empathy for anything other than myself, and learned how to act really well. Obviously a lot has happened since then and these things just spill out of me suddenly, but even though I don't waste time with things like applying the ideology of loving someone else. I do heavily apply the principle instead to loving myself, and yeah I enjoy a good Shoujo Manga and so forth I think I enjoy the story far more than if I had to live through it.
Well so much for me keeping it lighthearted.
Till next time.
-Fatima

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