Monday, May 1, 2017

Old Songs

I find it odd to hear a song that I used to listen to ten-fifteen years ago. It brings a certain level of discomfort as I actually listen to the song and wonder how no one sucker punched me because I was singing that song or playing that song until my ears bled. Then there are those songs that spark certain memories from a previous time period. The type of songs that make you lost within your own head as you start to think of one thing and it leads to another memory that you could of sworn you had forgotten long ago. I don't find myself reminiscing anymore as much as I used to like when I would before. I believe I kept replaying those memories because I felt that if I analyzed it further I could of seen what it was that I missed, I could of seen where I went wrong, and understanding it and making peace with it. However I see that the more I played the same memories the more I stayed in that time period I was trying desperately to escape. I wonder why I took so long to realize that doing this was not normal. I realize I have come a long way since I started writing here. I've told you stories of all the nights I didn't sleep, because no one will ever tell you the story of when they went to bed early, and by doing so I did miss out on other opportunities. I constantly think of one of my favorite movies Mr.Nobody where he says:
"If you don't choose anything is possible," and we see as all of the choices are played out in the film however we never know what really happened with Nemo Nobody. I feel the same. I feel like after a while I would let the choice make itself "if it was meant to then it would be," was my philosophy on my life. Yet everything I used to think would happen never did because I never made choices. Even if you don't make choices life will make them and it probably won't be in your favor.
Speaking of that is another thing I find myself thinking about a lot. I feel like the minute I came out of the womb someone was already screaming at me how "Life isn't fair," "Life doesn't owe you anything," and much to my annoyance people would tell me this. It is what it is, but following the rules definitely did not get me some prize of life that I assumed it would. In fact following the rules is the reason that I trapped myself in a box. Consciences, what's right and what's wrong really doesn't get you much of anywhere. It wasn't until I took the liberating first step of not following the rules, but of following my own way that I realized all of these rules that were implied were what was trapping me in a box which was when I decided that when I died I wanted to be creamated, because I spent my entire life in a box I was not going to spend my death and the rest of eternity decaying in one. Then it hit me Death is fair. Death takes; young, old, rich, poor, sick, healthy. It seemed humorous to me that this entire time
It's been a while since I've been here. I realize I appear sporadically here as well, but I find myself lost in my own world lately and completely comfortable with being lost there. I am quite stressed out to be honest. I feel like I started off on the wrong footing this semester and I am coping with it the best way I can. I'm kind of glad I didn't take on anymore activities than what I did because I would of drowned in my own stress. I am having a tough time with these classes, but I hope that I will work hard enough to pass them and to learn the material so I only have to do it once.

-Fatima

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