Uneasy
I can feel the beast that was silently sleeping inside of me stir and start to wake again. Like a forgotten dream that was silently swept away during the night when I wasn't looking in the morning. I fear that I am becoming the become, and that makes me uneasy. I haven't had the mind lately to get lost in my thoughts on my silent walks to different destinations, because my head is filled with dread and constant lists and deadlines. While it is to some relief that I am busy, because it helps pass the time I find myself at a great displeasure at times when everything goes awry.
I can't stop my imagination nor can I stop what I feel.
I have always been an overly sensitive person as a child this was one of my heaviest downfalls. I trusted people too easily, I cared too much, I cared too hard, and they always let me down because I always believed in them. Many people took advantage of this trait of mine, and I not knowing any better allowed them too, but every once in a while there would come that moment of vulnerability that I was shown and that was a moment that I would wait for, but once shown my interest in them dwindled, because I no longer had anything of value I wanted. As a teenager I learned how to build walls to protect myself, but it wouldn't be until many years later that I would learn to ruthlessly cut people off for my own sake. At first I felt terrible about it and would come back to these people with my tail in between my legs as if I had been the one that had wronged them. One day I don't know what finally caused me to choose myself, and finally put myself where I belonged.
Yet there are unfortunately some people that you can't change, they won't change, or are so set in their ways that they don't know how to change and these are the people that will try to take advantage of your shortcomings and use them against you. The hardest thing I ever had to learn was how to love myself despite what was going on around me, and lately I feel that the things in my life have started to make me lose that just a bit, and I need to change that.
I vowed that I would never let myself feel or be treated that way again. I used to get asked why I stopped dating and I would say: "If I am going to waste my time with someone I'd rather waste that same time on myself and I'll feel a lot better about it." I'm not sure if I've mentioned it before but when my last unfortunate dating experience happened I looked back and analyzed everything and it hit me how much time I had wasted on that and I vowed that I would never do that again. I gave myself a new opportunity with my twenties.
The one thing I can say that I hate passionately above all else is other people wasting my time. I don't mind at all when I waste my own time because its mine after all, but when other people waste my time it infuriates me to no end. When sense finally got through my thick skull I said: "Fatima we are going to waste your twenties by yourself on yourself. We are going to royally mess up and just spend this time on ourselves," and that was my vow. My early twenties were their own mess because it is a period of adaptation and non acceptance of your own vows, but by the time you hit your mid-twenties you are still pretty bad. At this point I feel like my sanity finally hit me when I was twenty five. When I was twenty five it was like the haze and cloudiness that had been clouded my mind since my teenage years finally vanished, and I saw things and people for what they were. I attempted to empathize with them, but I found that I really couldn't. Things I felt were similar before I found I could no longer stand, and I can't say it was them that changed because it was me. I know that it might sound like the age long argument: "It's not you it's me," but in this case it really was me that changed.
I'm not going to say that I need to get out more because as an introvert I would say I need to recharge and stay in more. Another thing that has been on my mind lately has been: Why is it that when you are surrounded by people it is that you feel more alone? I have always been the type of person to thrive alone and to thrive in chaos. This week for me was a week of constantly feeling alone when I was surrounded with people, and I'm not really sure why that is other than I enjoy my own company way too much. I like being me, I like being with myself and my thoughts.
Well I think that is it for today.
Until next Time.
-Fatima
I can't stop my imagination nor can I stop what I feel.
I have always been an overly sensitive person as a child this was one of my heaviest downfalls. I trusted people too easily, I cared too much, I cared too hard, and they always let me down because I always believed in them. Many people took advantage of this trait of mine, and I not knowing any better allowed them too, but every once in a while there would come that moment of vulnerability that I was shown and that was a moment that I would wait for, but once shown my interest in them dwindled, because I no longer had anything of value I wanted. As a teenager I learned how to build walls to protect myself, but it wouldn't be until many years later that I would learn to ruthlessly cut people off for my own sake. At first I felt terrible about it and would come back to these people with my tail in between my legs as if I had been the one that had wronged them. One day I don't know what finally caused me to choose myself, and finally put myself where I belonged.
Yet there are unfortunately some people that you can't change, they won't change, or are so set in their ways that they don't know how to change and these are the people that will try to take advantage of your shortcomings and use them against you. The hardest thing I ever had to learn was how to love myself despite what was going on around me, and lately I feel that the things in my life have started to make me lose that just a bit, and I need to change that.
I vowed that I would never let myself feel or be treated that way again. I used to get asked why I stopped dating and I would say: "If I am going to waste my time with someone I'd rather waste that same time on myself and I'll feel a lot better about it." I'm not sure if I've mentioned it before but when my last unfortunate dating experience happened I looked back and analyzed everything and it hit me how much time I had wasted on that and I vowed that I would never do that again. I gave myself a new opportunity with my twenties.
The one thing I can say that I hate passionately above all else is other people wasting my time. I don't mind at all when I waste my own time because its mine after all, but when other people waste my time it infuriates me to no end. When sense finally got through my thick skull I said: "Fatima we are going to waste your twenties by yourself on yourself. We are going to royally mess up and just spend this time on ourselves," and that was my vow. My early twenties were their own mess because it is a period of adaptation and non acceptance of your own vows, but by the time you hit your mid-twenties you are still pretty bad. At this point I feel like my sanity finally hit me when I was twenty five. When I was twenty five it was like the haze and cloudiness that had been clouded my mind since my teenage years finally vanished, and I saw things and people for what they were. I attempted to empathize with them, but I found that I really couldn't. Things I felt were similar before I found I could no longer stand, and I can't say it was them that changed because it was me. I know that it might sound like the age long argument: "It's not you it's me," but in this case it really was me that changed.
I'm not going to say that I need to get out more because as an introvert I would say I need to recharge and stay in more. Another thing that has been on my mind lately has been: Why is it that when you are surrounded by people it is that you feel more alone? I have always been the type of person to thrive alone and to thrive in chaos. This week for me was a week of constantly feeling alone when I was surrounded with people, and I'm not really sure why that is other than I enjoy my own company way too much. I like being me, I like being with myself and my thoughts.
Well I think that is it for today.
Until next Time.
-Fatima
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